I'm a Deeply Troubled Man

In the midst of another day spent accumulating experience,
A typical day of having hopes, and having to learn they're only hopes,
One of those days that just get lost, in the inexplicable
Course of things, in order to teach us
Pointlessness, and gathering sense of loss,
I feel a faint urge to stop, and know nothing of why I'm stopping.
Or maybe a wish simply to think, and learn nothing from what I think.
I'm feeling a need to be somewhat vague, like a man with a smile
He is merely aware of, a smile in fact that is only this,
An awareness of smiling, and nothing more than this.
What I don't know can't hurt me, and I'm smiling because I know this.
Or I'm smiling because it hurts, and I don't know that it hurts.
Standing still in the brilliant day, with only awareness to be aware of,
With all I sense of the angry depths producing a mild sensation of depth,
I'm a deeply troubled man, filled with a violence toward himself
With which I just can't be troubled, as I stand in the simple light
Being deeply ignorant, and feeling warm and right.
Of course I've lost my job, and so I'll lose all my belongings.
Of course I've lost my wife, and so I'll never again belong.
And of course I've lost myself, in the course of living and learning,
In the course of learning to live with myself, as a lesson
On which I'm lost, but while I can't have my hopes,
I can still have my losses, and a vague smile
I've learned to make for a living, one that costs
Very little, because I'm smiling at what it costs.
In the midst of another day spent living and losing,
A typical day of going on, in order to learn I can't go on,
I'm a deeply troubled man, doing this dancing around the truth I choose
To live without learning, a choice in fact that is only that,
One made with a smile, and nothing more than that.